Real Mail: The Titanium Cranium Awards

by John Walker
Last update: February 2022

Net nuts roasting on an open flame,
Wizards longing for the past,
Clueless newbies with their brains all abuzz,
Begging you to help MAKE.MONEY.FAST!!!!

One of the special joys of running a Web site like this is the E-mail you get. Unlike regular publishing, where the author is shielded by a print publisher, and a potential correspondent must actually put pen (or crayon, if not allowed anything sharp) to paper, address an envelope, lick a stamp, etc., on the Internet you're only one mailto: link away from any yo-yo who sees something on your site (or simply has it pop out of a Web search) and thinks you might possibly “be of help”. As the Web has continued to grow exponentially, its demographics have changed apace. In other words, there are a lot more clueless boneheads out there, and I seem to hear from between fifty and a hundred of them every day—back in June of 1995, only about one or two clinkers like those that follow landed in my in-box on a given day.

In keeping with the contemporary popular culture notion that outstanding achievement in anything, even stupidity, is worthy of recognition, the Titanium Cranium Awards™ were created to recognise E-mails that transcend the merely dumb and reveal truly breathtaking and unexplored depths of cluelessness, wrongheadedness, and intellectual laziness—these are people who panic when the power goes off and they're trapped on an escalator. Identities of the senders have been obscured, as have non-public originating sites. The frequent appearance of certain Internet Service Providers in what follows offers strong evidence that the prevailing image of their clientele is not entirely unfounded.

So, enjoy folks! It's a lot more fun to read this tiny selection from the great masses of messages meriting inclusion here than it is to open one's mailbox every day knowing another five or six dozen are waiting in the queue. I've deliberately not sorted these into categories or themes, so as to give a flavour for what one sees arrive in the real mailbox.

The misspellings, weird formatting, and odd capitalisation have been faithfully preserved as they were received. The occasional acerbic comment in italics like this was added by me solely for this document; I've found that the best response by far to mail like this is no reply at all—you do not want to invite a dialogue with these people.

Buckle your brain belt—here we go!


From Fri Aug 25 04:50:23 1995
Subject: Commenting from file

Subject: hello

where am i.

I replied, “Looks like you're at the University of College.” This was in the early days, when I still replied.


From Thu Aug 24 05:44:14 1995
Subject: Virus

I was just wondering, is it possible to write a virus in qbasic? Thanks


From Fri Oct 13 03:53:00 1995
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 22:52:45 -0400
Subject: pictures

Can someone please explain my screen does not dispay planet images and

I have a Zenith notebook 486 with color screen. Am I missing some

or something?  Would appreciate some help.


From Mon Sep 25 06:43:21 1995
Subject: help on french
X-Attachments: C:\CRAP\FRENCH.TXT;

        Hello, I am a high school senior with only three years of high
school french and not much of a grasp of french.  I have been searching for
hours on the internet looking for some one to help me on a very short french
story (about 200 words).  I have had no success as of yet.  I understand
that you are a very busy man and I will understand entirely if you refuse
but could you please look at the attached file and give me any suggestions
or comments.  Any help at all will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time,


From Sun Oct 15 13:53:24 1995
Subject: (no subject)


Ahhhh, typing with our elbows again, are we?


From Sun Oct 22 07:48:58 1995
Subject: (no subject)
X-Url: file:///“³×2%$WWW/ALTEC_WWW/ALTEC_Home.html


Note that the URL this individual is writing about is not on this site.


From Mon Oct 23 19:10:04 1995

I want to find my way around the heavens.

First, concentrate on not walking into the bathroom door every time you get up at night. Next…


From Sun Oct 22 04:42:47 1995
Subject: the engine

Although I'm a bit busy with a few architecture projects, I might dig
around in my files and come up with a suitable design, My research
work led me from nuclear physics to astrophysics, I have a pretty good
idea of what can be done in that arena. P.S. I'm not recognized by any
science group, however, NORAD, does listen as is very thankful, the
rest of the science communities think I'm nuts, and probably hate me
for popping their overinflated theories. I'm kind of new to the INET,


From Fri Oct 20 19:49:44 1995
Subject: Review of Tipler's "Physics of Immortality"

...  In any event, I'm interested in knowing your credentials and if
you have any opinions on science and religion.  ...


From Mon Oct 23 21:14:00 1995
Subject: FW: Speak Freely

We were looking for a Voice Chat program we could use
in our Windows 95 network when we found yours.
The only problem is: we don't know anything about setting
up our network as TCP/IP. Could you briefly describe where
we need to make changes and what we need to do? ...


From Wed Oct 25 18:53:09 1995
Subject: Help !!

I am ...  trying to complete a MBA through an American university,
and have hit a really big problem with two assignemnts I need to
complete for my degree.

I have been unable to obtain info here on the true understanding of
the following questions.

1.discuss the effects of fiscal and monetary policy on financial
markets and firms.

2. illustrate typical financial problems involved in financing growth
and diversification.

Do you know anyone who can help me, what I need is basically a few
paras on each to help me.  Ever our local university cannot come up
with a concenus answe.

If you cannot help can you put me in touvh with anyone who cam ?
many thanks for listening


From Thu Oct 26 00:58:50 1995
Subject: PICTURES?

Hi, I need some pictures Science, and you guys have the article but do you
have the pictures to go with it! Please write me back today, if not even now
to confirm this! This information is needed to me today, so please could
write me back today, or RIGHT NOW-right now would help me a lot, if you guys



From Thu Oct 26 03:17:45 1995
Subject: hi

yes, hello i'm a long macintosh user and they have this program at my school
and i think it's the neatest thing since slice bread. My teacher says there a
way to get it for mac[ I go to school at college thats
where i got my idea] he says that it would work i have all requirments the
microphone the speakers and frankly i've been on america online for quite
some time to find it. And as soon as i find it, it won't work for mac. Please
e-mail me back at this addressed prefablbe or please
e-mail i really enjoy this program.... Sincerly,    p.s. please
e-mail me as soon as you read this.


From clueless@college.EDU Fri Oct 27 04:58:54 1995
From: *Spirit Of Truth* WWW Page
Subject:      Grand Supercycle Crash At Hand? (fwd)
To:  ... ... ...

                     GRAND SUPERCYCLE CRASH AT HAND?

         Are we facing a Mexican default, bogus Zhirinovsky coup
               and global war in the days and weeks ahead?

   In  the  wake  of Tuesday's total solar eclipse,  there are signs the
*Grand Supercycle* crash is getting underway.  First  off,  a  financial
panic  appears  to have started in Mexico.  This panic might soon spread
to the U.S.  and throughout  the  world  and  involve  an  international
financial   collapse.   Meanwhile,   Russian   President  Boris  Yeltsin
reportedly suffered a heart attack today.  This might be leading  up  to
the bogus right-wing coup in Russia I have been warning about for years.
... ... ... ... ... ...


From Mon Oct 30 08:42:29 1995
Subject: Calcomp with Autocad.


I have some difficulties letting work my calcomp 84 plotter with
Autocad.  Can you give me some hints?  I`m looking for the driver but
I cannot find it.

         Thank you for your time


From clueless@Riddler.COM Tue Oct 31 06:21:02 1995
Subject: Riddler is looking for home pages...

 On Friday 8/18/95, Interactive Imaginations launched a completely
 new version of Riddler.  The game, now called Quibbler, is a free
 contest that gives people on the Web the opportunity to win cash
 prizes by solving a variety of riddles and puzzles.  The game is
 accessible via

 We are looking for home pages to hide some of the clues that are
 needed to solve the riddles, and believe your page would be ideal.
 Your site will be seamlessly integrated into a specific game.  For
 example, if we were to hide a clue on the Stephen King home page,
 contestants would get a hint leading them to that page.  To facilitate
 the player's search, Infoseek and Yahoo will be incorporated locally
 on our site.

 Upon figuring out that the page in question was the Stephen King
 page, contestants would locate that page on the Web and find one of
 four clues needed to solve the main riddle.

 Since your participation is also free, the benefits of your
 participation are tremendous.  Since a link to our game can be
 maintained for a duration, you will have the opportunity to promote
 the subject of your page to all participants of our game.  In
 addition, you will have an opportunity to participate in the up and
 coming Riddler Network events such as the much-anticipated Riddler's
 Choice 10K race around the web.  Remember, there is absolutely no cost
 to you or the players.


From Wed Aug  9 06:34:48 1995
Subject: Help

I am a third yr finance major who is looking for some
assistance in locating some sights on the net.  I have
seen your name on some of the references for tases and
I was wondering if you might know the location of:
Outstnding Investor Digest, Portfolio Reports,
13-D Research Inc., Vickers Stock Research, The Value
Line Investment Survey.  Any information that you may
be able to provide will be helpful.  If you have
any reading suggestions I would love to hear them.


From Tue Aug 15 23:00:12 1995
Subject: AUTODESK Scholarhip

          Dear Mr. Walker,

          It was nice to have met you by chance.  Since you are
          the founder of AutoDesk perhaps you could assist me.

          I am a second year engineering student at College
          University.  I am an independent student struggling to
          finance my college education.  I survive on outside and
          Federal grants.

          I was wondering if there was anyway through a grant or
          scholarship for me to obtain a licensed copy of AutoCad
          so that I may begin a business venture.  I believe I
          have the talent to design.  I want to market this
          ability.  Three years ago I was introduced to AutoCad
          when I took a course in it at the Southern Clueless
          Regional Occupational Center.  Currently I am a
          certified CAD Designer.

          I have accumulated many awards through my academic and
          athletic prowess making me a good candidate for any such
          scholarship.  I was also a recipient of the Presidential
          Academic Fitness Award.  Last year I designed a Jungle
          Gym for our group for the final project in Engineering
          101.  While not a marvel of genius, for a first year
          student on short notice it was sufficiently impressive.

          If you need anymore information from me please don't
          hesitate to contact me.  I would greatly appreciate any
          guidance, recommendation or directions towards proper
          channels that you could offer me.  Thank you for your



From Wed Nov  1 05:39:46 1995

I greatly appreciate your work to put the I.R.C. online.  I have
confronted one major difficulty you might be able to help me with.
When I print a page, the blue links text does not always print.  How
may I overcome this?  Thank you.


From Wed Nov  1 15:53:25 1995
Subject: Programing in Qbasic

   My supervisor has asked me to make a backup program in qbasic and
and I want it to backup every Friday and only write over file that
have changed.  This is going from a local hard Drive to a Network
drive.  HOW DO I DO THIS??

or is there a program on the net for shareware that I can doenload.

This is his e-mail address. Please Mail me at my address.

thank you


From Wed Nov  1 23:16:25 1995
Subject: your screensaver


Hello.  My name is Bob Clueless, and I have looked over your
screensaver.  I very much like its simplicity, as this is probably
more approachable for the average person using a computer.  I am
wondering if you have developed or would consider developing a
screensaver that is compatible with both Windows 3.1 and Windows '95.
Essentially I need to display images and give the user a few choices
regarding transitions, password and duration of the images.

Any thoughts?...


From Tue Oct 31 23:33:33 1995
Subject: Section of composite map

Hi John,

I am interested in a section of the composite map, the European
section. Is that somewhere on the Web, or can I in some way
create my own section from some of your map?

Thanx for helping!


From Tue Oct 31 08:39:51 1995
Subject: World Map w/Time display

 I am a consultant.  While on-site the other day, I noticed a color
 printout of a world map with the daylight/nightfall displayed by time
 zone.  It had your address at the bottom.  Is this available in
 Win95?  Other places?  Please advise.

Thanks for your information.


From Sun Oct 29 21:46:27 1995
Subject: (no subject)


I have urld to your page from mine at

I use a macintosh and it seems that I cannot use your page functions.

Any reason why?

Thz Clueless

Dunno. Perhaps it's because the program you're referring to is for Windows.


From Sat Oct 28 18:39:25 1995

Do you have any sky maps for Macs


From Fri Oct 27 00:52:19 1995
Subject: ftp of

Why cannot I ftp  I got the name from this url, and tried
to get it using ftp (after leaving fourmilab.) I found your www in the
Local Paper, business section last Sunday.

Why can't I e-mail you at this address?  Cheers, Clueless.


From Mon Oct 23 07:55:11 1995
Subject: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mr. Walker,
     CONGRATULATIONS! Your Earth Viewer website has been chosen to
     receive "THE FAMILY JEWEL AWARD!" This coveted award is only
     presented to those websites with excellence in design, layout,
     content, presentation, uniqueness, and originality.

     If you wish to accept this award, please display the award logo
     that you will find attached to this message on your opening page,
     with the following URL referenced as...


From your-mdash;userid@UCLA.EDU Thu Nov  2 02:37:41 1995
Organization: The Anderson School, UCLA
Subject: (no subject)
X-Unauthenticated: The sender's identity cannot be confirmed

hi kevin,

i am a researcher at ucla and i just ran across your file "autodesk"
in a search dealing with dividends.

did you write this work? what exactly is it? business book on net?
case study? company history? who funded this effort?

where did the work on dividends come from?


From Thu Nov  2 14:33:53 1995
Date: Thu, 02 Nov 95 08:33:23
Subject: Versions

Are there plans for an OS/2 version? How much of the code that is
Windows specific? How modular is it, meaning how hard would it be for
someone to port? Thanks.

Forgetting, you'll notice, to name which program he was asking about.


From Fri Nov  3 04:58:06 1995
Subject: Satellite Images

Dear Kelvin,

     My name is Maj Bob Clueless.  I am an officer in the USAF.  I was hoping
you could give me some information on satellite imagery.  I need to have some
pictures made of a deer camp in Alabama so that the hunters can make a map of
the roads and topo of the landscape.  Do you know of any government or
private organizations that can make these pictures?  Thank you very much for
your time.

Sleep soundly tonight: the Air Force…is deer hunting, by satellite!


From CLUELESS@SOMESITE.GOV.BC.CA Fri Nov  3 01:13:04 1995
Subject: IKEA furtniture outlets in France

Dear John:

My wife and I own a small condo unit in southern France, which is
currently rented out.  In five years time, we plan to retire and live six
months in France, six months in Canada.

With your Swedish connections, would you know of any IKEA outlets in
southern France, or indeed in France in general?

Any help in this area would be appreciated, as we would like to get
an IKEA catalogue from France and start planning our furniture purchases.

If there are no outlets in France, then the closest outlet would be

Jag talar svenska.  Var fodd i Kanada av svensk foraldrar. (My MS Mail
program can't generate the Swedish characters for the three extra

Thanks for any help you can provide.



From Fri Nov  3 21:42:27 1995


                          AM I DREAMING. . . ?


Certainly. Make a copy of the attached document and add your name at the top of the list. Post copies to the five or ten thousand leading newsgroups. In keeping with tradition, you should probably do this from an AOL account….


From Fri Nov  3 23:02:50 1995
Subject: (no subject)

I would like for you to e-mail Clueless Systems, LLC your articles on the
Turnkey Systems industry.  Please visit our site at


From Wed Nov  8 07:28:22 1995
Organization: Delphi Internet Services
Subject: Hello

Oh Shit

Please—not on my computer! It's bad enough with all the pigeons roosting in the computer room.


From Wed Nov  8 22:54:50 1995
From: Unauthenticated User <>
Organization: University of College Laboratory Schools

If you could send me this game that woul be nice at America online
Clueless but if you dont have aol dont send it

NOTICE:  There is no way to guarantee the validity of this message.
Please contact the
person listed as the sender to authenticate.


From clueless@germany.COM Fri Oct 27 16:25:35 1995
Subject: Regression Testing Tools

Hello Kelvin,

I found your page in the WEB while searching for a Regression Testing
ToolKit for HPUX User interfaces.  Do you know about such a tool kit?
Is there any PD or shareware?

Looking forward to your response,


From Thu Nov  2 07:27:24 1995
Subject: story

I really liked your story.


From Sat Nov 11 04:38:00 1995
Subject: Are you looking for funding?

Mr. Walker, I found your page while looking for people wanting venture =
capital.  I'm having trouble telling if you are looking for capital or =
partners.  Please let me know what you have in mind.  Thanks


From Thu Nov  9 03:53:56 1995
Subject: C-1 VISA

..I have been reading your enormous database on immigration laws, and
i could say it is pretty impressive!..although, I am looking for a
very specific law regarding Alien In-Transit( C-1 visa ).  I would
really appreciate if you can send me a literature on this aspects.

thank you,


From Mon Nov 13 06:32:27 1995
Subject: Adoption

Adoption Referral Associates publishes directories that contain the
actual materials submitted by adoption agencies nationwide.  They are
an excellent resource for those wanting to adopt.  They also offer
pre-adoption counseling services.  Phone is 800-CLU-LESS.


From Tue Nov 14 18:01:22 1995
Subject: DAK info

Dear Sir,
    Could you please forward to me the up-to-date phone number and
    address of DAK industries mentioned in your WWW link?  I would be
    most grateful.

I am


Clueless, Ph.D.


From Thu Nov 16 02:03:13 1995
Subject: Unicard

   I'm a student and I just read your message on the unicard.  Could
you tell me what is your profession and your purpose in writing the



From Thu Nov 16 06:27:00 1995
Subject: Your Web Page

While searching for Wordstar, I came across your web page.  What _is_
it?  An history of Autodesk/CAD?

You could say that, assuming you could utter a coherent sentence at all.


From Thu Nov 16 12:38:39 1995
Subject: Cross country dividend - retained earnings comparitive survey

Dear Kevin:

I need data on dividend payments and retained earnings
relative net income for about 100- 500 corporations
listed on each of the major stock markets; London, New
York, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Paris, ect.

Do you know if or where this kind of data might be
found on the web?


I am deeply moved by your need, as well as your unwillingness to do your own research.


From Thu Nov 16 22:45:41 1995
Subject: (no subject)

check out or call CL Tech at
710-555-7300, ask for Bob Clueless.  They have developed CL Medbase for
device tracking and the Outcome Assessment/Decision Support System for
hip & knee replacement orthopaedic surgeons.  I am trying to track
other outcome data collection systems.  If you have any info, please
pass it along.  Thanks!  My phone number at the CLUELESSS is 408-555-1693.

Uhhhh, I'm still running showroom stock knees and hips, but if I decide to hot rod the old meatster, I'll be sure to check this out.


From Fri Nov 17 00:09:30 1995
Organization: Primenet
Subject: Programing

Could you send me some info for programing games using Qbasic.


From Sat Nov 18 04:17:43 1995
Subject: (no subject)

Good argument. All we need now is someone with imagination and money!


That's what's always needed to accomplish (no subject).


From Sat Nov 18 21:13:39 1995
Subject: auto cadd (drafthig programs)

Is there any way I can get a free auto drafthing cadd program for my mom
please reply to Sally Clueless
our addres is


From Tue Nov 21 04:50:35 1995
Subject: craters screen saver

I have saved the to disk but I don't know how to get it =
"unzipped" to get it working. Could someone help me  get this screen =
saver running?  Thank you,


From clueless@smtplink.duh.ORG Tue Nov 21 21:46:22 1995
Subject: U. S. Tax Code On-LIne

     Can you give me info on the cost of U. S. Tax Code On-line.
     Also, any other information that might be of help.

Any other information…? Sure. The cost of free things you access on the Web is zero, other than your connect charges. Water is wet. You are an idiot.


From Wed Nov 22 15:50:28 1995
Subject: Primetime critique

Dear Mr. Walker:

While crusing the Internet I landed on your wicked critiqe of some PR
text.  I am intrigued by your commentary.  However that is not why I
am contacting you.  I am a writer and a translator, proficient in
Spanish, French and English.  I know you probably don't want to hear
another word about how wonderful PR consultants are and how they can
help you.  Just in case, however, I am forwarding a resume should you
happen to need my services.
Thank you very much.

It is somehow reassuring to discover that, ten years later, “communications professionals” can't spell any better than they did in our distressing First Contact.


From Mon Nov 20 01:01:02 1995
Subject: (no subject)

Should New Hampshire Savings Bank Corporation issue dividends.  See
Case Studies in Financial Decision Making Third Edition by Diana
Harrington and Kenneth M Eades pg 315.


From Sat Nov 25 10:58:33 1995
Subject: (no subject)

I have two questions about Speak Free, what compression format are yo
using and how do I uncompress the program?
Thanks you


From Sat Nov 25 02:02:48 1995
Subject: Parametric

Dear John:
Can you give us a layman term for "Parametric".  What does it mean?
Any way of describing this to your Grandmother.


This is a genuine challenge. Both of my grandmothers (did you only have one?…how odd…any extra fingers or toes?) are dead. So I don't have any idea at all how I could explain “parametric” to either of them. But I'm sure that had my mum's mum encountered the word at age 96, she would have looked it up in the dictionary before bothering a total stranger with the question. Regards,


From Sat Nov 25 07:46:46 1995
Subject: Win95 and Floppies


Do you know if it is possible to store a 5Mb (or anything larger that
1.44Mb) program across multiple floppy diskettes in WINDOWS95?

Have you tried a sledgehammer?


From Sun Nov 26 05:27:25 1995
Subject: (no subject)

For some reason I am not able to print the article about a subchapter
s corporation from my computer.  If it is no trouble could you email
this article back to me as soon as possible.  Thank you so much!


From Sun Nov 26 19:26:21 1995
Subject: how to see the demonstration


I've just looked at your interesting site:

but I can't figure out how to see anything!!  What/where is the
command to begin the viewing?


Are you sure your eyes are open?


From Tue Nov 28 20:35:53 1995
Subject: social security taxes

tax rates on socioal security payments

I am not a server.


From Wed Nov 29 14:57:47 1995
Subject: Industrial Revolution

do you know anything about the sociology of the indutrial revolution?

Yes, quite a bit. Thank you for asking.


From Thu Nov 30 20:59:50 1995
Subject: (no subject)

Ho there.

I am not a technical person but I want to say how interesting I find
this site.  I try to call in regularly at different times just to
check on what views I can get.  Can you give me any other URLS where
something like this is possible?

Congratulations and best wishes

Thank you. You'll find extensive information on (no subject) at the vast majority of Web sites.


From clueless@college.CA Sat Dec  2 00:30:08 1995

Hi Kevin, I just started using the net, I don't understand how to
steup the software (i.e.  creating directories & source code???) If
you can hwlp it would be much appreciated.  Thanx.

I doubt I can hwlp, since I don't know what “hwlp” means, and I don't know which program you want me to hwlp you steup.


From Fri Dec  1 04:45:58 1995
Subject: help


Ah... I am trying to use your program... but I can't seem to find any
other users listed on the system.?!

HOW or WHEN do I try to connect... once I am on line?!??! anywhere!??!
and also.. how do I find a person to talk to.. for now.. just to

is there a test place.. I am toiooo excited... I can't wait..


Sit down. Relax. Make sure your brain is switched on. Next…


From clueless@college.EDU Sun Dec  3 21:51:07 1995
Subject: Moontoolw

I am not sure how to unzip moontoolw.  I downloaded the file in my
C:\Windows directory, but I cannot get it to work because I cannot
unzip it.  If you could send me some instruction I would greatly
appreciate it.



From Mon Dec  4 19:06:40 1995

My wife is starting up her own tax service and is curious to know if
the "CCH" books are available on-line.  Any info you could provide
would be helpful.


From clueless@college.EDU Wed Dec  6 00:19:17 1995

     Is it possible to view ozone readings superimposed on the planet's
     map?  Your help is greatly appreciated...

     Bud Clueless
     Assistant Professor

Always glad to help, Prof. Starting next Monday, our constellation of 600 ozone-monitoring satellites will be launched into orbit on Russian Zenit boosters out of Pletesk. By Wednesday afternoon, we will be able to downlink custom superimposed imagery direct to your desktop. Could we come by to install the dish sometime after lunch? The cost for this will be 8 billion U.S. dollars—please have cash or a cashier's check available when our installer arrives. Thank you for choosing Fourmilab as your space data provider!


From Wed Dec  6 01:08:47 1995
Subject: (no subject)

Dear Kelvin:

How do I find out what the alignment of the planets will be in 4 years
(the year 2000). I hope you will find time to answer.

Thank you.


From Thu Dec  7 14:14:45 1995
Subject: Computer-aided design

Hi. I am studying for a HND in Software Engineering and am doing a talk soon
on "How computers are used in the production of films". I am hopeing to talk
mainly about computer animation, but need some information on it. Can you
help? I don't know if "computer-aided design" covers computer animation or
not, but I'm confident that you can help me. Please write soon. I am a
damsel in distress!!!!
Thank you
        BYE BYE.

       /               \
      /  *              |-------------
         ||          ||
    . ****** Clueless ****** .

I agree; you are, indeed.


From clueless@somesite.somewhere Thu Dec  7 20:57:59 1995
Subject: how can I green card

Dear Mr. Kelvin,
Last year my friend of mine won the visa lotary and he is in US now. I
want to study in US and I want to get green cerd because two months ago
my family died in trafic accident I have some money its about 20000$ but
I couldnt manage to get immigration visa
would you explain me what should I do?
I am waiting your reply

Have you considered bribery? Just mail all your money to my mail-drop and I'll see what I can do….


From Mon Nov 27 01:16:16 1995
Subject: (no subject)

I am at
I have read the entire pages and for the life of me can not find the
software.  What is going on?
Is this shareware or do I have to do something else to get it?

Well, you could start by getting a clue, or else by pressing the big fat “Download” button which was staring you in the face as you composed this missive.


From Mon Nov 27 19:33:31 1995
Subject: earth image in high resolution format?

The images are great!!

Can you recommend a place where I can get high resolution
images of the earth and of the sky?

Thanks for your help

Certainly. Make a huge pile of the highest explosives you can obtain. Sit on top, with your camera. Detonate the pile, snapping away as fast as you can manage. These will be extremely high resolution images which your survivors can sell to the highest bidder.


From Mon Nov 27 19:40:54 1995

Are you John Walker?


Yes, I believe so, although I haven't checked in the last half hour.


From Fri Dec  8 21:12:52 1995
Subject: Research on Money crash 1987

I am Luigi Clueless, I am attending at College University of Somewhere Italy.
I am looking for some information about "The Money Crash 1987" for taking my
I hope to hear from you soon
Your faithfully


From Mon Dec 11 22:15:28 1995
Subject: respite care payment
Encoding: 11 TEXT


I am new to using internet and happened upon the page describing foster
care payments.  Is it possible for you to provide me with similar
information regarding the tax laws governing respite care payments made to
foster parents.



From Wed Dec 13 07:31:07 1995
Subject: netphone

Dear kelvin,
           I have download the speakfree file from my netscape, I use a
telephone line to dial in a local server and I think the connection is
called ppp. I was testing the chat site. can I hear someone's talking even
I don't have a phone yet?

Yes, you'll find your ears will provide this capability, as long as the other person isn't too far away.


From Fri Dec 15 06:20:41 1995
Subject: votre aide pour apprendre francais

J'ai lu que vous pouvez m'aider avec une spreadsheet d'Excel?

Bien sūr. Veuillez m'envoyer les honoraires de 5'000 francs suisses pour le minimum d'une heure. Je vous rappelerai aussitōt que l'argent arrive. Argent liquide seulement, s.v.p.


From Sat Dec 16 06:02:40 1995
Subject: (no subject)

                    December  15,1995

TO:   John Walker

        As a stockholder in Bogus Environmental, Inc., Goofy, TX, I
have been authorized by a Director to contact a California indepen=
dent oil producer for possible trial of microbial oil enhancement with
low gravity wells in Daft, CA, this during a personal visit=
  from North Clueless during the Christmas season.  The following
question arises: What portion of the cost of the visit may be =
treated as tax-deductible business expense?


From Sat Dec 23 02:36:12 1995
Subject: dietary fat

Hello there, I wanted to bring to your attention a new product that
has been released in the United States.  It has only one ingredient,
"absorbitol" and it is derived from the shells of shellfish.  It has
the ability to bind with up to 3 grams of dietary fat after a meal,
and carry it straight through the body, resisting absorption.  If you
would like further detailed information, I can fax it to you, as I
would also be interested in hearing your opinion on it.  Thank you!

Pass the butter!


From Sun Dec 24 05:01:30 1995

what is this anyway part fiction and or fiction .
is it something which is purposeful or is it varied .

It's purposeful! It's varied! It's purposeful! It's varied! Stop—you're both right!


From Wed Dec 27 05:51:42 1995
Subject: first impressions

This appears to be interesting.  Do you want comments / suggestions later?
 Is this
a "project" for your personal business, education or entertainment?



From Fri Dec 29 07:08:43 1995
Subject: speakfre.exe???? Labtop???

Dear Sir,
I have a laptop computer (sorry I don't have a regular desktop), it
has a built in sound card with software (an internal speaker & mic),
however it doesn't have the DOS file - speakfre.exe, so I cannot
install the "Speak Freely" program.  Do you have any ideas or



From Fri Dec 29 17:05:00 1995
Subject:  PEMEX Founder -- Adolfo Preston John Clueless

Where can I get a copy of the story of the founding of PEMEX and
information about it's founder Adolfo Preston John Clueless?

Melvin E. Clueless, Founder
Clueless Family Association


From Tue Jan  2 00:44:21 1996
Subject: Visa Lottery

Can you tell me when one can file for a visa lottery on behalf of a
someone living in overseas? Where can such visa lottery be sent to and
what are the necessary requirements, etc. etc.


As a matter of fact, I can help you right out. Go to your bank and draw out all the money you have in cash. Mail it to me at the following address—there's no need to put a return address on the envelope….


From Thu Jan  4 05:06:51 1996
Subject: diets

Do you have any particular low fat diets that one can follow?

Thank you.....


From Mon Jan  8 00:04:01 1996
Subject: age

how old are you

Old enough not to have time for impertinent questions from total strangers.


From Tue Jan 9 16:43:56 1996
Subject: (no subject)

Would like to see samples Please send E-mail or fax ??-???-??-????

Sorry, I don't know how to send an evil empire through E-mail or to your FAX. All in all, this is probably a good thing.


From Thu Jan 11 18:50:06 1996
Subject: LAND SAT.

Where can i find information on land satelites. Am doing some reserch
project. Thanks in advance for your help.


From Sat Jan 13 21:23:25 1996
Subject: exempt from penalty

Is there a form I can fill out to apply for exemption from penalty at
the end of the year?

My income varies from quarter to quarter substantially and I just file
one return at the end of the yearand Ialways have to pay a penalty
because I didn't send inany payments of estimated taxes.  Your help
would be appreciated.


From Mon Jan 15 04:46:05 1996
Subject: Your Program!!!!!!!

How do you use the program(SpeakFree), I have tried to figure it out
but I just cant.  I havent read the help.  I guess I could do that,
But I would apreciate some hints or something.


From daemon Tue Jan 16 07:44:24 1996

DEAR : kelvin
my name is clueless i need your help i like to know if i can download the
software for netfone for windows i have tried
many times with no luck  getting a message no viewer
please let me know what to do



From Thu Jan 25 02:50:16 1996

I have been trying to use your Speak Freely program but i cant.  Can you please
tell me how.  Thanks a lot.


From clueless@nabus8 Wed Jan 31 18:15:08 1996
Subject: Running XD

Please excuse my ignorance, but I downdloaded the xd conversion program and i
would like to execute it but I can't figure out what to do with the Makefile
and the c script.  I'm running SUNOS V5.4.  Any help would be appreciated.

Note that this user of a Sun workstation not only doesn't know how to compile a C program, the return address in his message is a local machine name, without the domain identification one would need to reply (were one crazy enough to do so).


From Fri Feb  2 12:51:45 1996
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 96 03:42:04 UT
Subject: NEW USER



Sir, over more than twenty-five years in the computer industry, I have had the occasion to help hundreds, if not thousands of beginners. It is rewarding to help folks take that first difficult step into a rewarding but often intimidating new domain. You are not, however, in my estimation a “BIGINERS BIGENER”; you are an idiot's idiot.


From Mon Feb  5 05:19:33 1996
To: lots of Lycos bite victims
Subject: Tender for driving licence card

We have obtained the name of your company through the Internet.  We
currently have a tender for the supply of a driving licence production
system for the government of Mauritius which includes a complete
computer system aswell as card production.

We would like to know if you would be interested to bid with us for
this tender.  Should you agree to the proposal, kindly fax us on (230)
XXX XX XX.  We will then send you by DHL the complete tender document.
We wish to inform you that the tender closes on 28th Feb 1996.  Any
suggestions would be most welcomed.


From Sat Feb 10 08:12:14 1996
Subject: encounter's from age 3

i have down loaded your article,keep on the track, it's way past time the
issue has been addressed. having my own personal encounter i know this
reality exist, the problem is that it has been kept so secret that no one
understand's unless you have seen on up close. it's time the peope were
informed.the cold war is over and the deception keeps mounting,soon the
information will become obvious and the people will become very angry that
the secret has been kept for so long.
UFO spinning and shooting out rays

What's this lump in my earlobe? Not again…bloody greys….


From Tue Feb 13 23:37:35 1996
Subject: ?

Hi, my location is XX 30' 01" N, XX 33' 09" W.  What planets are rising
in the southwest at about 7:30 Xst.


From Wed Feb 14 00:54:03 1996
Subject: Does anyone...

     Does anyone know the proper procedure to take the IRS
     to court to have a legal determination made wether or
     not a person is a "Tax-Payer" or not.


From <> Mon Feb 19 07:23:48 1996
Subject: q?

hi, how are you ? I do not now if can help me , but I am looking for
some Questions about the moon phases and software to determine it
also I have a 2Nd questions when the new moon is born when can it be seen
bye the human eyes and does the geographical area infulences it apperence
can it be seen in NY but not CA or even TX I refer to the new moon off
thanks in advance


From Mon Mar  4 05:11:00 1996
Subject: autocad

Is it possible to download a shareware version of AutoCad from the
net?  If so, would you by any chance have a URL address for such an



From Mon Mar  4 05:17:02 1996
Subject: home planet

ftp> cd /pub/Kelvin/homeplanet
ftp> binary
ftp> prompt
ftp> mget hp2-?.zip
ftp> bye

This idiot, having read a description of how to obtain Home Planet via command-line FTP, promptly E-mailed me the commands, including the "FTP>" prompts in the sample session I show in the document.


From Sun Mar 24 17:51:09 1996
Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 10:49:39 -0600
From: "Sam Clueless" <>
Subject: Pepperidge Farm reporting Glass in their Cookie

Found your address while browsing for Pep Farm.  Got an address for
reporting a sizeable piece of glass to them?

What's the problem? Didn't the package say “No fat, low-calorie, high-fibre”?


From Sat Mar 30 08:35:53 1996
Date: Sat, 30 Mar 96 10:32:12 UT
Subject: broadcast of cricket   by intelstat  CBU

do you have any infor on what band/channel i may be able to pick up
the CBU broadcast satellite of cricket matches currently scheduled
between west indies and new zealand????  thanks for any leads or infor


From Wed Apr 17 14:38:40 1996
Subject: Project for school

Dear sir,

I am working on a project for my trigonometry class that involves the
orbit of the earth and the orbit of Haley's Comet.  The problem is to
show whether Haley's Comet will crash into the earth using trig
functions to prove my position.  Can you send me information on these

I also need information about Haley's Comet for a research paper that
is part of the project.  Would you be able to help me with this?

The project was assigned just this week and is due on Friday, April

Thank you very much

You're welcome.


From Wed Apr 17 20:38:54 1996
Subject: use of earthviewer


Can you please provde me more information on how to access earthviewer.
For instance, where can I find a map showing latitutes, longitudes, etc.
say for the state of Clueless? How close can I zoom in on an area.  I am
doing a research project on waterfowl migratory patterns in South
Clueless, and need to be able to count ducks on a pond.  Can I do it
using earthviewer.  If not can you advise me on alternative means of
accessing this informatin?


Have you considered visiting the pond and shouting, “Yo, ducks! How many you guys out there”? Hope this helps.


From Thu Apr 25 17:18:39 1996
Subject: "Question about of CASE"

    Can you send me information about of tools Upper CASE and Lower
CASE,in fact, I need the diferences between the Upper and Lower Case,
because I'm doing a profesional work, in this, I need include information
about this topic, is very important.
In other hand, Ican obtain information about the Front End and the Back
End tools for the ingeneering information systems.
If more for the moment, y thanks your atention for this e-mail, hoop your
pront answer.


From Wed May  1 09:44:57 1996
Date: Wed, 1 May 96 04:37:39 UT
Subject: autosketch

Do you know of any online or bbs, even clubs to get into. Need help importing
images into autosketch, thanks


From Thu May  9 22:58:16 1996
Date: Thu, 9 May 1996 16:57:15 -0400
Subject: INFO"""@

BOX 821 HELLHOLE IN. 44444

   PHONE : 369-555-2797



From Thu May 16 02:10:35 1996
Subject: earth

I was observing your site and was wondering why earth was not listed
in the list of planets that included the moon in your solar system
live section where you can tell where all the planets are at any
moment.  thank you


From Sat May 18 11:56:44 1996
Date: Sat, 18 May 96 10:59:54 -0700
Subject: HELP!!!

It would be very nice of you if you could send us some information about


From Sun May 26 04:28:03 1996
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
Subject: Are You A Displaced AT&T or MCI Professional?

          Are You a Displaced AT&T or MCI Communications Professional?

                             Do You Know One?

            Please Call 1-800-555-8612 For Important Information.

                        (Not Long Distance or MLM)

              Must Be Able to Sign a Non Disclosure Agreement


From Mon May 27 08:29:18 1996
Date: Mon, 27 May 1996 00:57:35 -0700
Subject: Sky screensaver help...

I recently downloaded you Sky screensaver and find it very
interesting.  But, how can I find out my exact latitude and longitude?
I'm at 156 Bonehead Boulevard (between 14 and 15th) in New York City,
New York.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  I'd be very
interested to know exactly what the sky above me looks like.  Thanks!


From Mon May 27 05:54:11 1996
Date: Mon, 27 May 1996 03:53:15 GMT
Subject: Software request

Dear Sir:

        I am looking forward to receiving a speak freely software
package from your company.  I have Pentium 100, window 95 computer to
access the internet.  Please send the proper software to my following



From Mon May 27 17:17:02 1996
Subject: Interest in Masonic Membership

Hi Kevin . My name is Billy-Bob Clueless and I am interested in membership
in a masonic order. Can you give me some direction as the links on the web
lead nowhere or in very limited directions.   Thanks


From Sun Jun  2 20:27:01 1996
Subject: Planatary alignment, Uranus

I there anything unusual about the subject on the morning of June 6, 1996?


From Tue Jun 11 16:16:54 1996
Subject: Sectionn127

Has the full house voted on Section 127
If so what is the outcome?
5250 exemption for 1995? 1996?  Where do graduate level job related fall?
1995?  1996?  Where do graduate level NON job related fall 1995?  1996?


From Sun Jun 16 09:49:50 1996
Subject: Winword 6.0


I'm search for a programm, to encode Winword-Dokuments, that save with a
password (I have lost my password). Can you help me ?

Thank You....

...bis zum naechsten Mal

Sorry, your papers are not in order.


From Sun Jun 23 22:17:23 1996
Subject: question

any info on piona company

I've found that ACME pionas are by far the best for dropping on irritating cartoon characters. Their catalogue also includes a wide variety of avnils.


From Fri Jun 28 20:53:43 1996
Organization: Facilities Planning (room reservations)
Subject: Your use of the name "Autodesk"

Autodesk is a copywrited name of the corporation selling and servicing
AutoCad products.  If you don't already know this, you better check it.

Golly! Thank you for bringing this to my attention! Having founded the company in question and coined the name myself, I was unaware of this! I sure wouldn't want to violate what's-their-name's “copywrite”!


From Thu Jul  4 21:13:04 1996
Subject: (no subject)

I'm searching for a recipe for champagne cake. Any help would be
greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Glad you asked; I'm always happy to share information I have at my fingertips.

Kelvin's Fourth of July Champagne Cake

Get a cake pan and liberally grease with animal fat. Add 500 grams of white flour, 250 grams of white sugar, 50 grams of butter, and 50 grams of baking powder. Break a couple of eggs and pour onto the top; don't throw in the shells unless you want the “extra-crunchy recipe.” There's no need to mix it all up—that will take care of itself.

Put the pan in a cold oven, then place two bottles of champagne, unopened, on top of the pan. Cover the bottles and pan with extra-heavy-duty aluminium foil and/or (if available) a manhole cover. Close the oven, set the temperature to 250 C. There's no need to set a timer—you'll know when it's finished.

Happy Fourth of July!


From Fri Jul 26 07:16 MET 1996
Subject: Speak Freely

Could you send me the softwar for your FREE telephone thing???

At Fourmilab, we take pride in rapid and accurate delivery. You want “softwar”? We're happy to comply! Please provide precise latitude and longitude co-ordinates and desired yield. Delivery time is about half an hour; circular error probable is 10 metres.


Subject: HTS

what satillight is that is that hubble where can i get a list of all the
satilights full names not abrviations HTS ???


Subject: Enquiring

How do convert 2 bytes hex number (eg.0126H) to its corresponding
decimal number using 8086 assembly language?



Subject: Autodesk, and Leverage

My name is Fred Flintskull, and my parents are buying a new house.
They want to take all their money out of the bank and buy the house
cash.  But my dad wants to use his money to make interrest, what do
you think about using leverage and putting it in mutuals?  I'd like to
know more about the stock market and managing money, could you
recommend some books or internet pages?  Also if its not too much
trouble what is autodesk?

Fortunately, Fred, you asked precisely the right guy…do I have a deal for you! For heaven's sake, keep your parents from blowing all their savings on a house—what would they ever use it for? Instead, tell them to draw all of their money out of the bank and mail it to me. I will invest it in highly-leveraged financial derivatives, and in a couple of months, they won't have to spend any more time worrying about what to do with their money. Always glad to help!


Subject: about radiotelescope

        My name is Billy-Bob Brassbrain.  I'm senior student.  I'm
studying at Department of Electrical Engineering Numbskull Unversity.
Thailand.  My teacher is assign me to make a report about something
which concern the radio wave.  I choose the topic about radio
telescope.  But I don't have enough the image which recorded by radio
telescope.  Counld you please to tell me about the source of them.
Thank you very much for your help.

Sincerely yours ,Billy-Bob


Date: Mon, 02 Sep 1996 14:11:53 -0700
Subject: Australian star constellations

To whom it may concern
I am living in Australia and am required to do a project for school about
star constellations seen in the Australian night sky. Unfortunately I
have found that information on this subject is quite scarce! I would
really appreciate if you could send me some literature on my topic and
possibly some visuals to help me with my project.


Date: Sat, 07 Sep 1996 22:27:35 -0400
Subject: word lists

would you happen to know where I could find a comprehensive word list?
thank you


Date: Sun, 08 Sep 1996 16:46:40 +0000
Subject: a

Dear Sir

I read your article in Internt ,very good. I am a postdoc in France and
come from a non-french speaking country. I 'd like to learn french very
much. But I can not afford so much money for CD-ROM, I will  appreciate
it very much if you are kindly to offer  a free copy to me.

Clueless Ph.D


Date: Sat, 14 Sep 1996 17:41:43 -0700
Subject: ACAD. 12

I was wondering If I can down load the ACAD. 12 from the world wide web,
and If I can you give the address, so I can down load it.

Thank you.


Date: Sat, 14 Sep 1996 21:50:30 -0700
Subject: Earth Viewer

I wanted to know if I can see objects close from that satellites

        Even just see a town from that satellites.
        As I saw if I try to see a picture in 10 Km above the earth
        I can't see the picture.

        Is it possible ?

                                                Thanks   Clueless


Date: Mon, 16 Sep 1996 10:39:24 -0400
Subject: Speak freely

How can I order speak freely?


Date: Mon, 23 Sep 96 01:37:28 UT
Subject: Help, What do I do?


I am an average US citizen with four kids and a spouse.  About nine year ago
we bought a house and moved from a smaller house.  We couldn't afford to sell
the smaller house so we rented it out.  Now, because our kids are in college,
we need to sell this smaller house.  The IRS laws on capital gains calculation
are too numerous for me to weed out what applies to me.  I have a basis and
have depreciated and know how much each of these are.  But, I cannot find how
to calculate the capital gains tax on this sale and what is deductable and
when I need to pay the tax.

Can you help?

Thank you!


From: Bubba Clueless
Date: Wed, 25 Sep 1996 11:09:02 +0000
Organization: North Clueless Schools
Subject: Apples and Teachers

My class is very interested in the origins of why the apple is
associated with teachers. Any information on this would be very much


Bubba Clueless
North Clueless Schools


Date: Wed, 25 Sep 96 22:43:58 PDT

Do not understand,...

Do not care.


Date: Sat, 28 Sep 1996 21:08:14 -0400
Subject: cost of book

What is the cost of the book?


More than your IQ.


Date: Mon, 30 Sep 96 00:06:00 -0700
Subject: (no subject)

I have a question that I hope you might be able to help me with...

I resigned my position as Police officer for a Borough in Dumbstate on
May 1st. (at the 'request' of the chief)
At that time I gave a written resignation in which I agreed to fulfill
obligations related to court hearings, trials and such...

I received a few things by mail within a month or so.. and I appeared for
the cases. (mostly minor cases.. traffic stops, etc..)

Since that time I have taken a full time position with a manufacturing
company.  One night about a month ago an Officer came to my door to serve
me papers for a trial the next morning (or possibly afternoon, i forgot)
I couldnt take off work, so I didnt show..  I called the office of the DA
and they said as far as they were concerned I had to show...
Well, I didn't and i dont think theres much to that case except for the
Officer that attempted to serve the papers left with the papers never
having me sign them or anything...  He was rather new to the force, and I
wonder if I was lagelly considered 'served'..

my question is this...
My boyfriend was home this weekend when an Officer came knocking in the
middle of the night...  He didnt want to answer the door so he didnt...
He dosent care too much for the police here in this town..
anyway.. they came back a few times over the weekend while I was away... I
left on 'bad' terms with most of the guys on the force, so even if I were
home, I have no desire for social calls...
well my boyfriend tells me that someone taped a supoena to the front door
and that he left it there...
he then got a call to our unlisted phone # from an officer posing as a
Dominos Pizza employee...  !?  well, he handed the phone to a friend who
hung up when she heared it wasnt a pizza guy bearing free pizza...
I havent seen this supoena as of yet, but he said he saw a date that is
the next working day.. Monday...
am I obligated to just up and leave my job to be at some minor case?
Is that considered a proper and timely serving of a supoena?

If you have any insight to a question..  if i am not personally served
with a supoena for a case in court the next working day..  do i have
to show up in court even if I have a full time job that would be in

I resigned as a cop on May 1st..

but this weekend i was told by my boyfreind that someone taped a supoena
to my front door...
the date set was the coming Monday...
I was not served in person at all...  am i still expected to be there?
Please let me know..



Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 17:11:30 -0700
Subject: Read your article. See Revelation and the ACLU.

If you read the bible?
You will know that the Unicard has to happen in
order to fullfill prophecy. It is already happening and people are blind
to what the government is doing to our freedom! Freedom of Religion,
etc.. Now freedom with respects to what we buy and sell. I will have more
information for you later. In the mean time, study Revelation with a 7th
Day Adventist or look for a Revelation Seminar.


Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 14:44:16 -0400
Subject: letter

your cool

You're clueless.


Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 12:12:30 GMT
Subject: (Fwd) (Fwd) (Fwd) queation

Dear Sir/Madam,
      I am a full time student of the University of
Clueless. I have found your name in the internet "Rule201.Conduct of
Practice Before the Court"
      I am preparing to apply to the School of Film and Television
of the UCLA. I am writing a story to send the MFA
production/directing course as a supporting material.
      Some parts of that story are set in a court. I am trying
to dramatize "Merchant of Venice" in the 20th century setting. I, however,
have not stayed in the United States. I have found nobody familiar to the
American Court System in my college. I hope that someone of your staff will
give me advice.
      I describe a part of the story; A guy, called X borrows money
from a bank. Another guy, who is X's friend, Y is a surety of X. X's
house is a security. X looses any way to clear off his debt later
after borrowing money. X conceals it to Z of the financial section of
the bank. X has not paid his loan for months. Y rejects to offer his
house. All things happen in the United States.
      I like seriously to know what kind of process a court would
make after Z files. Would Z file this suit through a police, or go to
a specific court? Would a jury take part in this case?
      I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely


Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 17:22:54 -0400
Subject: Earth Photographic Quality

I am grateful to partake in the service you have provided.
Is there a greater resolution sight I might visit? The images you
provide are grosely grainy when even trying to zoom into a quadrant of
the USA.
When the satellites can photograph a newspaper and this site has such
poor resolution, perhaps there is an alternative answer.
I am at least looking to see roads.

Hats back on, gentlemen…. But seriously, have you considered signing up for our Personal Keyhole® service? For a one-time setup fee of US$375 million and an annual subscription rate of only US$5 million (FREE for the first year), we will launch and operate your own personal imaging reconaissance satellite with diffraction-limited resolution of better than 20 centimetres and 256 band programmable hyperspectral imaging. We handle everything: just E-mail your tasking requirements and our control centre south of Tripoli will see that the pictures from your bird show up in your mailbox within 24 hours. If rainy days always bring you down, consider our Living Room Lacrosse® service, which provides 1 metre synthetic array radar imagery direct to your PC. Order both at the same time, and receive a 5% discount on launch cost! VISA/MC accepted.


Date: Tue, 22 Oct 1996 11:39:20 PST
Subject: Your screen saver.

I was wondering how to set up the time zone statement.  I live in Utah
and it makes no sense.

Hey, I visited Utah myself, back in 1973. Didn't make any sense to me either!


Date: Tue, 22 Oct 1996 22:11:24 -0700
Subject: A Question

This may sound like a strange question but I need the French words fot
"dead meat cafe".  This is to be the title for a graphic arts assignment.
I hope you will be able to help me with my question.
Thank You


Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 16:19:40 -0400
Subject: 457 Plan

Could you explain specifically why I as a deferred compensation participant
can not roll my def comp money into an IRA when I quit work or retire as
those in the 401k programs can tax free and penalty free. Does not seem
fair??? Thanks

Please call your Congressman and ask him to co-sponsor and vote for H.R. 0000, the Fourmilab Empowerment Act of 1997, when the House of Representatives convenes after the election. This bill delegates all U.S. tax policy to Kelly Day, Fourmilab's wish list coordinator. Once enacted, we will be able to change the law by decree so as to seem fair to you.


Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 13:01:33 -0400
Subject: program: homeplanet

hello astrofriends,

please send me the astroprogram "homeplanet" on my e-mailadress
my Problem is,I can no download the complett program.HP2.1 started by
setup.exe called can`nt require .... File...

thousand thanks for helping


Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 14:55:02 -0400
Subject: fiduciary duty

If an agent breaches his fiduciary duty to the principal, is the agent liable
to the principal for any resulting losses or is there no losses because there
is no money involved?


Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 09:54:47 -0700
Subject: Internal Revenue Code

Do you happen to know what teh longest sentence in the Internal Revenue
Code is?  It is a bonus question on a final exam I am completing.


Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1996 15:08:55 -0600
Subject: help me!

hey man i got the autocad r12 for dos but the is that ia got win 95, and
actually i do“nt know what e ma suppossed to do can you give some tip
for use that version or i have to buy the new version of autocad r13


Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 19:16:39 -0500
Subject: images

why are all photos only black squares?


Date: Tue, 29 Oct 1996 23:14:41 -0500
Subject:  I need the book really short sumerized do you have it?



From: "Claudia P. Clueless" <"clueless";;;;>
Subject: More information
Date: Mon, 04 Nov 1996 15:06:43 -0700

I'am new at this. but willing to learn!

                                     Claudia P. Clueless
                                     Thank you!

That's good, because it's clear you have a great deal, indeed, to learn.


Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 17:28:17 -0600
Subject: I need a code

No, what you need is a clue!

A special Titanium Cranium welcome to WebTV's WebPotatoes, piling onto the Internet from couches all over North America. Before the advent of WebTV, one needed at least the cranial horsepower to use a computer and get a modem to work. Now any yo-yo who can hook up a video game to a TV and plug in a phone can launch themselves onto the Web. Will progress never cease? Some things truly defy parody. The following is WebTV's “Mission Statement,” quoted directly from their home page:

The WebTV Mission
To make the Internet as accessible and compelling for consumers as broadcast television is today.

Mission accomplished!


Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1996 19:04:42 -0500
Subject: Hi...Help!

I just got the Software for Voice Chat over the Internet...I saw your site on
a list,
and I don't know how to get to it...Is it an
ftp site?  I saw the numbers, and I typed in ftp:// before it.  How can I get
to it?


From: Mate <>
Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1996 19:04:42 -0500
Subject: Stars

Hi there,,,,
        Ok,,,Here Goes,
I have been told that it is Possible to Like,,,Sponsor or contribute
funds to a specific star in the Solar system,,,,,,,,,,
        I am interested in this but have No idea Who or Where to contact,,,,,,
If you can help me with any Meteorological dept or institute that could
give me details on this,,,
would be a great Help,,,,,
,,,Just Havnt A clue where to Look,,,,,All I know is that You can choose
to sponsor a Star and get Like A Certificate giving Details of It.
,,,,,,,Kkkk,,,,Hoping to hear from you,,,,,,,,,,
                                        Regards Mate.

It's been awful, hasn't it, since those bloody commas got smuggled past Oz immigration! They're,,,,,, everywhere now,,,,, no matter where,,,,,, you look,,,,! Look out, they're devouring that Funnel-web spider!


Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 00:41:50 -0800
Subject: talk english.  What the hell is hypertext, hierarchy, etc.?
Content-Length: 0

X-User-IQ: 0







Date: Sun, 12 Jan 1997 12:12:58 +0100
Subject: Where is Basel???

Hi, thanks for a great view of earth!
I am interested in the exact position of Basel and I haven't been able
to find it, if you could help me out I would be more than grateful.
Thank you!

Look down at your feet. There it is! Glad to be of assistance.


Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1997 01:44:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: The moon

My daughter is doing a book report on the moon.  I can't find a decent
web site that can tell me basic information about the moon.  Can you

Perhaps you should broaden the scope of your search to include indecent Web sites. I'm told there are many.


Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1997 02:30:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Hey

You need to update this mess.  I expect better in the future!

Note that this particular Acephalic Online was in such a hurry to dispatch their eloquent evaluation, they neglected to note which document this comment refers to. But be assured, our staff is working day and night to make the material on this site more accessible to slack-jawed drooling knuckle-walking beetle-browed morons. Please visit again soon!


Subject: Alignment of the Planets in the year 2000
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 1997 01:07:37 -0800

I have heard so much from the news media regarding the doomsday
predictions when the planets align in the year 2000 that I just want to
know if it is true.  Will there be tidal waves and other events that
destroy cities and populations?

Absolutely! To survive, you'll need to take to the high ground, ideally the deck of a bridge well above a river separating an island from a substantial landmass. Please contact our real estate division for a list of bridges available for immediate purchase. Have your credit card ready!


From: Clueless <>
Date: Sat, 18 Jan 1997 22:37:38 -0400
Subject: Real suffering.

Perhaps you could explain the supression field's experienced in thought,
and how to best deal with them?

Perhaps you could even anwswer the questions I don't seem to be
intelligent enough to rember?

The factors needed to be taken into consideration are beyond my ability
of considering from here.

Why is intelligence being with held from this world?

What must I do, to get sentient life to be recognized openly?

As you must know, memory for me is a real problem.

But if you could out line what has been happening here and
without/within, that would be of great aid.

That outline would probably be of greatest aid.

If it's possable to explain the perspective your comming from that would
also be very good.

Damn I'm tired.

Me too, primarily of mail like this.


From: "clueless" <CLUELESS@SOMESITE.COM>
Subject: information please
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 1997 20:45:39 -0600

please send me

Okay, here's my two bits: 10. Oh, what the heck, have another Hartley, 1100—and keep the change!


Date: Tue, 21 Jan 1997 13:20:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: you have put in a lot of effort





For which railroad do you drive?


Subject: Prosba o clanek LITHIUM ...
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 13:35:00 +0200

Vazeny autore clanku LITHIUM - super hvezda mezi prvky ( ZIVEL c.4 ),
mel bych na vas prosbu, nemate tento clanek k dispozici na pocitaci, ci
je nekde na Inetu ? Pokud ano byl by jste velice laskav kdyby jste mi ho
zamailoval ci kdyby jste mi zamailoval adresu kde je dostupny dekuji

PS: SPECHA! DIK   :-))))


Not LITHIUM, Titanium!


Subject: Help with regents project
Date: Sun, 11 May 1997 22:26:30 -0400

To whom this may concern:
        Hi! My name is Moonflower Clueless.  I would like to ask you a few
questions about constellations and their movements.  I am doing
constellations for my earth science regents project.  I chose to do the
constellation of Orion.  I was wondering if you could answer or try to help
me understand constellations a little better, so here are some questions:
1) How do the stars move as the earth rotates and revolves?
2) What are stars and constellations made up of?
3) If the stars are always in the sky, than why can we only see them at night?
4) What does the magnitude of a star mean?
5) Are constellations grouped?
6) Are the constellations all the same age.  If not, what are the youngest
and oldest?
7) How do you figure out how to measure the angle of Orion on your own sketches?
    Thank you for reading my letter.  I hope to see a response soon.  I have
one more question?  Can you try to get me some pictures and or data of Orion.


                                                      Moonflower Clueless
P.S. I would like a response A.S.A.P., please.
RealName=Moonflower Clueless

If I do your homework, do I get your diploma?

--------------- - - [26/May/1997:21:44:50 +0200] "GET
Map of the Earth

Your team made a great choice of maps.  I hope you drew a picture of
your planet in your log.  Perhaps on another visit my research team
and I, Martia N. can observe your team's 3-D version of the data.

Now on to our second expedition.  The research team of Martia N. will
collaborate with the research team of you earth beings to detect if
planet earth has more than one layer.  The information must include
the names of the different layers as well as their various depths.
Once the data has been collected, your team may record it as a graphic
representation, or (as we will in our log) as a database.  Once again,
after we locate the necessary information, perhaps you and your team
members can construct a 3-D version of the data presented.  Before we
go to the address assigned by our galaxy, let us hypothesize: Do you
think earth has more than one layer?  If so, how many?  Why do you
think so?  Does earth provide evidence to support your solution?  How
might you and your team construct a 3-D representation if earth has
many layers?  Let us travel to the address to test our hypothesis.
                           HTTP/1.0" 200 0

Incoming…via HTTP! Due to the onslaught of the kind of mail celebrated in this document, I have removed “mailto:” links from pages prone to attract flakes and morons. But a genuine airhead can seep through all but the most hermetic seal. The missive above did not arrive by E-mail but was, instead, typed into a text entry field in the Earth Viewer request page—you know, where folks with a functioning cerebrum enter the latitude and longitude. I happened to observe this Half Ton Turkey Packet scroll by in the Web access log, and was intrigued enough to decode it, whereupon I found the above message.

Those contemplating the purchase of Computer Aided Design systems should note that this message originated from a machine within the domain of Intergraph Corporation ( Evidently that vendor encourages broad diversity in Geographical Information Systems.


From: Bubba LeDimbulb <>
Subject: (no subject)
Date: Thu, 07 Aug 1997 14:37:51 -0700


My name is Bubba LeDimbulb. Recently my father pasted away without leaving
a will. His residence was Somestate. My mother is still alive and I have
one brother and one sister. My fathers worth was as follows.
IRA                                             $200,000.00
tax has not been paid on 124,000 of this money
House and furnishings approx.                   75,000.00
Vehicles                                        12,000.00
Cash Savings/Checking Community property        $25,000.00

                                        Total   $312,000.00

Is it still possible for my mother to divest these funds to her children
without having to pay inheritance taxes. I know that she will have to
pay tax on the 124k before getting it out but what is the best way for
her to divest it. Is the 3 year divesting law still in place?

Thank you for you help and information.

Sheesh! Here I've been cutting and pasting away in my word processor for years, totally unaware of the tax consequences! I'd better talk to my accountant before I paste this message into the Titanium Cranium archive.


Date: Tue, 12 Aug 97 21:19:22 UT

I'm having trouble connecting to the server.  What should I try?



Reply-To: <>
Subject: re: why I'm here
Date: Sun, 17 Aug 1997 06:24:14 -0700

could you please help point me in the right direction?
Im interested in learning how to make cyphers and crack exsisting cyphers
I have no previous knowledge of this science.
I have an insaciable curiosity to know how to do this
please assist me in my quest

Hmmm…. Perhaps you should begin your quest by entering your user name in the designated field.


Subject: Pay to Get Gas Guzzling Cars Off the Road
Date: Mon, 01 Sep 1997 21:55:57 +0000

Hi Kevin,

I was searching the Web on information regarding rebates on gas guzzling
cars.  I thought Chevron or some other gas company was paying to get
these cars off the road.  I found a phone number printed on, of all
things, the back of a grocery receipt that dealt in this trade.  I gave
it to my brother who has been trying to retire his old truck
gracefully.  Unfortunately, the phone number lead to a disconnected
phone.  Would you have any information or leads on who might provide
that kind of service?

If you know and have the time, I'd greatly appreciate the response.
Thank you kindly,


Why don't you tell your brother to E-mail the truck to and ask 'em how much they'll offer for it?


Subject:  how to calculate ephemarise( every day planet position)
Date: Fri, 20 Feb 1998 03:40:27 +0530
From: "Mahatma Mindfree"

Dear kalvin,
i want to know how to calculate solar system and how calcu the planet
possition,because i make one programe for horoscope ,pl tel me some way how
to go on link,i.e today 02/19/1998 what is the mars possition at time of
03.40 am in india .please give me the help ,
thanking you
Mahatma Mindfree


Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 23:06:38 -0400
Subject: Email Address ?? for problems about GRAVITY and the MOON

Please provide me with the
for Mr. John Walker.  I would like to send him details
of a project about "THE CAUSE OF TIDES", and
its underlying cause.  Gravity is not distributed
the way science thinks it is.  Because . . .

Please respond.


in Washington, DC, USA

Please respond to:

Yes, this arrived as HTML E-mail, increasingly a trademark of the clueless, as it allows reinforcing the hallowed tradition of ALL CAPS with BOLDFACE!!!! My E-mail address, huh? Well why not…? root@localhost works just fine for me.


From: Ahmed Clueless <>
Subject: Wants Information
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1998 15:07:36 +0400

To; General Manager,

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have seen your information about your Product,IN {Intrnet Phone Connection}
and we are salling it sucessfully.

About our Comany:

we are running an INTRNET CLUB & Computer Shop, our main intrests are,
Training for Intrnet Member in our club as well salling all related Items,
of Multimedia,Inrnet phones, sound cards, books related to Intrnet, magazines,
Camera for Inrnet. and we do have a big hole for displaying and training,
our porpose is to deliver best quality and fast service to the customer, where
we found out that they are satified with us, so we are always looking for new
product to try and sale it, we are also offering and ISDN lines which runing
now in 64 Kps, and expected to be at 128 kps , by next month.

Im providing you with this information so you can know our profiles.

Therefore we are interest with your products, so please provide us with

1- Brouchures liflets about your products which is similar to above mentioned.

2- price list for Intrnational export. (FOB DUBAI-UAE) AIPORT).

3- Demostraion disketes

4- POSTERS About your products so we can display them in our SHOW ROOM ,
   its very important as you know for customers attarctions.

5- periodic information about updates and new products coming up.

All of those information are valuable to us, in order of   strating business

We appreciate if you give us a demonstration sample of your products.

We are expecting a growing in Internet business in our area.
as it showing now.
Finally, thanks much and your response is highly appreciated.

Please send your info to our mailing address

With Best Regards,


Date: Tue, 09 Nov 2004 17:31:42 -0500
Subject: Md5 install on unix using Makefile

Having trouble finding support for these install programs for M5, on
AIX. Was wondering if you could point me some place to get support or
help me. Please see attached ouptut of Makefile.

root@server /unixadmin/bin/md5_gz:ls -l
-rwxrwxrwx   1 3099     audit          1606 Sep 23 2003  Makefile
-rwxrwxrwx   1 3099     audit          8850 Apr 15 2003  index.html
-rwxrwxrwx   1 3099     audit          8146 Sep 23 2003  main.c
root@server /unixadmin/bin/md5_gz:chown root.system *
root@server /unixadmin/bin/md5_gz:./Makefile
./Makefile[2]: PROGRAM:  not found.
./Makefile[4]: CC:  not found.
./Makefile[5]: CFLAGS:  not found.
./Makefile[7]: RELFILES:  not found.

This guy has the root password on a Unix server at a hospital. Stay well.


Date: 01/24/2005 04:49:19 PM
Subject: Dendrimers

Hi there,

I'm writing a story for Red Herring magazine on Dendritic
Nanotechnologies. Do you have any comment on this company and its
potential contributions/role in nanotech?

Lizzie Clueless
Red Herring

p.s. Hoping to finish this article by 3 p.m. PST January 25.

Teacher! My grandmother died, and then the dog ate my homework and died from bad grammar ingestion. Then my computer caught a virus which re-formatted my hard disc and…am I getting sympathy yet? … I thought I'd impose upon you to bail me out and save my grade point average so I can go to law school and sue evil productive people like you into oblivion.

Sorry, babe. You're on your own. Making up un-sourced facts and attributing them to victims who respond to your E-mails is doubtless part of your journalism internship, but it's not a game I play.


From: Muhammad Clueless <>
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 12:36:32
Subject: [Feedback] (hi)

i need only calander converter from gorgion to islamic

Good luck, bub! Everybody I know who tried to look something up in the Gorgon calendar got turned to stone.


Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2006 17:07:13
Subject: Urgent help needed!

Could you please tell me if there's a calendar in which the
present year is 2005. I would be very grateful if you could
reply me asap.

Thank you very much.


What, didn't file your taxes on time? I don't think this will help.


Date: Tue, 16 May 2006 05:16:20 +0200
Subject: more info please

I really appreciate your site! This is the best one I have
found yet! Unfortunately I do not know one thing about
astrology. Therefore I am trying to find out when these
different planets are coming around the "wheel" ... How can I
find out how these planets will "effect" individuals? It is
hard for me to ask the correct question (s). I do not
understand the correct vocabulary or terms to use. I hope you
will be able to send me more. I would love to teach myself but
I am just finding info about the "planets" not their effects on
people. Thank you for your time. Respectfully, clueless


Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2007 23:50:05 +0200
Subject: Blue cheese Salad Dressing
Feedback from: SubMarie's

This is the second time I have written about the problem with
your blue cheese salad dressing.  I wrote over a month ago and
have not heard a word.  I have always enjoyed Marie's salad
dressings but recently got a bad jar that had mold on when I
opened it.  I am not talking about the blue cheese mold but
hairy type mold.  I kept the jar and it has been in the
refrigerator since I purchased it.  The expiration date is
still not due and the jar was just opened for use.  Either you
did not get my first email or you just do not care about the
freshness of your product.  If it is the latter than I guess I
need to switch products.  I still have the product and told you
I would hold it if you care to look at it when I wrote you

Heck, maybe it's just peach fuzz!


Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:19:52 +0200
Subject: [Feedback] (LATTITUDE-LONGITUDE)
Feedback from: Your Sky


I believe the “science test” the writer is referring to is the linear equation we ask new correspondents to solve on the feedback form.


Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2007 18:48:54 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (earth.scr)
Feedback from: Earth Screen Saver for Windows

Since when does the terminator run east-west across North

Our correspondent here is paid by the taxpayers of the United States to work in their Environmental Protection Agency. This enforcer of clear skies and clean water has apparently never heard about the seasons, which have some subtle influence upon the environment of our globe. Yes, when it's winter in the northern hemisphere, it's dark in the arctic.


Date: Sun, 2 Dec 2007 22:07:46 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (u suck )
Feedback from: No EU!

u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck
                …30 identical lines elided…
u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck suck u suck u suck u
suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u
                Such imagination!  9 identical lines elided.
suck u suck u suck u suck u don't suck ... NOT u suck u suck u
		Now that's clever—“NOT”!
		You've seen Wayne's World;
		I bow to your erudition.
suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u
                …4 identical lines elided…
u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck u suck
                How original!  15 identical lines elided.
u suck u suck u suck

But upon what is it that I suck? Such is the intellectual grounding and rhetorical eloquence of the anti-democratic collectivist partisans of the European Union. Imagine what it will be like when these children mature and govern you in your old age.


From: Online Baptist <>
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2008 19:43:01 -0500
Subject: Your link has been rejected at Fundamental Baptist Directory


We are sorry! We could not approve your link The Bible in the directory.

Thank you,
Online Baptist Staff

Needless to say, I did not submit my online edition of the Bible to these most discriminating theologians. To whoever did, I can only say, “Hey, it's about religion! Why drag the Bible into it?”.


From: Clueless
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2008 03:26:21 +0100
Subject: u suck
Feedback from: No EU!

in case the subject wasnt clear enough u suck i mean seriously
whats your problem with brussels their cool maybe not france or
at least the french but europes a pretty cool place apart from
the fecies

Ahhhh…here we have another eloquent and impassioned intellectual defence of the project of European integration. Uhhhh, “fecies”? I agree that almost anywhere can be “pretty cool”, or at least not all that stinky, apart from the feces.


Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2008 09:45:07
Subject: [Feedback] (Your Sky  is wrong,DUMBASS)

Your Sky has been HACKED by Comedy Central.

 On May,24,1054,in the middle of the day,the SUN has set.





Golly, AOL still seems to be around—who'd have guessed? The customer demographic appears to be strongly conserved.


Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2008 07:28:57 +0200
Subject: [Feedback] (singularity of space and time)
Feedback from: Home Planet

Tell me about this subject. I would like to understand how it
relates to the planets and the stars.

Then, just five minutes later:

Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2008 07:33:52 +0200
Subject: [Feedback] (scorpius and saggit)
Feedback from: Home Planet

Both scorpius tail and saggis arrow point to the same general
direction what is there?

Whatever you do, don't point your telescope there! That's where God hides His tools, in the singularity of space and time, and if you look upon it, you could be sucked right out through your telescope into the singularity and have a really bad day.


Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2008 22:55:56 +0200
Subject: [Feedback] (answer)
Feedback from: Your Sky

I wrote good things about you,but you have not answerd me.I
liked your website but now i think that you are evil and i'm
leaving your website.

Not evil—cackle, cackle, cackle!


The following was the response I received when I replied to a seemingly reasonable feedback message inquiring whether the French Republican Calendar designated its first year as zero or one.

From: Clueless <>
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 2008 19:30:00 +0900 (JST)
Subject: Re: [Feedback] (French Republican Calender)

I believe that the Gregorian calender must be abolished
since it is based on the myth of the "Jesus of Nazareth",
the fictious figure, and, there is no "year zero" because
there was no mathematical conception of zero at that time.

My two suggestions are:

Aristotle (invalid Unicode elided) calender
Aristotle is the greatest philosopher of the ancient
world.  In this system, Aristotle's birth year (Gregorian
384 BC) is year zero.  Gregorian year plus 383 is
Aristotle year.  We are now in 2391.

Brahmagupta calender

Brahmagupta was an Indian mathematician and astronomer who
had established the mathematical conception of zero and
minus in _Brahmasphuta-siddhanta_ published in the
Gregorian 628.  In this system the Gregorian 628 is year
zero.  We are now in 1380.

What do you think about my two suggestions?

Merry Christmas!


From <>
Subject: Sattelite choise
Date: 25 December 2008 14:01
Feedback from: John Walker's Reading List

This is a very poorly designed site, sorry!

May your “choise” of sites be wiser in the future!


Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 01:11:04 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (Strike Out)

In my opinion, you are a boob.

Here's to hoping we never share dialogue across the top of a
pint, which would surely be disgraced by whatever we might find
worthwhile to discuss.

I've always wanted readers to conclude I was abreast of things!


Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 10:22:14 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (Algorithm for New/Full Moon)

Hi there,

I am trying to code the new moon calculation so it would remind
me that new moon is coming. I search the web and I have working
algorithm that gives me the date but I need an exact hour and
minute too. Your algorithm gives that so I was wondering you
could help me to add this feature into my one.

Below is the code in ruby. I have to say that I do not
understand astrology at all :-)

Thank you in advance.

                    Code listing elided.

Neither do I! What's your sign?


Subject: [HackDiet Feedback] Problem report
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2009 10:19:47 +0100

User:     Clueless
Category: Problem report
Subject:  some want

sir i wana 2 learn hacking........will u teach me.........i wait ur response

Yup—sending a bogus “problem report” from a Web application I support in barbarous text-speak is a sure fire way to get me to do what you want! Keep on waiting….


Subject: [Feedback] (Gravitons and Light Spectrums )
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2009 04:27:33 +0100

i was wondering since you guys have yet to see a graviton
escape could it be that gravitons are in a different light
spectrum that we cannot detect and i was also concerned if you
do discover it could you create another "big bang"?

Hey—we guys created the last big bang! You'd just better hope we don't tire of the experiment and pull the plug.


Subject: [Feedback] (can a program be built?)
Date: Sat, 31 Jan 2009 23:02:59 +0100

Can a program be built to random draw numbers from a field of
35 and keep drawing from the left over numbers until they are
all used?  AS an example the field is 35 with 5 numers drawn
leves 30 then another 5 numbers drawn from what was left of
the35 now 30 numbers.  then 25 then 20 etc?  Thanks

Yes, it can!


Subject: [Feedback] (Plot supernova blast waves.)
Date: Sun, 1 Feb 2009 00:53:36 +0100

The great earthquake on Jan. 3, 2009 in Indonesia was caused by
a large star that went hypernova and there was a small star in
the same star system that subsequently went supernova about a
day later. The great earthquake on May 12, 2007 in China was
the same phenomena. These supernova are dark because they occur
inside the expanding hypernova plasma wave which is blue
shifted out of the visual range.
The 1908 Tunguska event is the only supernova blast wave with
enough witness accounts to figure out the phenomena.
If "Your Sky" had another number displaying what is the center
of view (RA and DEC) then I could track down which supernova.
Or if virtual telescope had a feature of pointing the telescope
directly up and displayed where it was pointing (RA and DEC) I
could track down which supernova.
Here is my proposed supernova formula:
supernova magnitude (units of Tunguska) = c*K*D1*D2/d²
c star type = 1.00 for type IV star and 12.82 for type V star
K units conversion = 476288 Tunguska * (light years)²
D1 derating factor = sin4(angle) Angle is from magnetic equator
of Earth. At magnetic poles no derating factor.
D2 derating factor = 1/6.2 if supernova originates from within
a hypernova star system, otherwise this = 1.00.
d² is distance in light years squared
Tunguska had an explosive power of about 25.75 megatons.
Witnesses reported blast furnace heat 200 km from passover. A
supernova blast wave drags nearest magnetic pole to ground
zero. If strong enough ground zero might become the magnetic
pole flipped. Many nuclear fissions occurred of so called
stable elements producing rare earths and several radioactive
nuclides which were measured at Tunguska many years later. I
can write some of the nuclear equations.
With the modifications to "Your Sky" or "Vitual Telescope" I
could determine which supernova star caused Tunguska. That star
likely dark because it also originated from within a hypernova
star system. But there would be a nebula visible at the


Subject: [Feedback] (Illness as a result of working at the Test Site and Pacific Proving Ground)
Date: Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:00:21 +0200

I have received your cards with lists of the Cancers attributed
to radiation and I am worndering if there is any other illness
possible from radiation.

Yes! You can now cease “worndering”.


Subject: -
Feedback from: No EU!
Date: Sat, 15 Aug 2009 20:02:23 +0200

this website is out of date.
I can understand the problems we facin in the 21st century what
seems to be you cant. we need the union doesnt matter what
state you are come from.
History is history, together we are going to be n.1. in the
whole world.
Rgds a proud europen

Yup, destined to be “n.1.” for sure!


Subject: HGIDB11-23@NIH.GOV
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 2009 17:59:56 +0200

i read your article

i am surprised id not heard of such a discovery sooner. i would
very much like to view the image you described.

Mate, it's science fiction!   But then some people never get it.


Subject: [Feedback] (moon and direction)
Feedback from: Your Sky
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 2009 10:28:42 +0200

I was looking for a moon direction.  ie at a specific time,
from a specific lat and long what direction is the moon and at
what elevation.  This would be very helpful for pointing
satellite dishes.

Don't even think of contacting the Moon people! I got in touch with them back in the 1970s and they caused me all kinds of trouble.


Subject: numbers
Feedback from: HotBits
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 2009 18:11:29 +0200

I just found your site and I have to say I think it's a great
idea for random number generation. Glad I found it.

Anyway, I'd like to order up a batch of numbers for lottery
drawings. In the lottery I play, to win the jackpot, one must
pick 5 numbers (without replacement) from 56 and 1 number from
46 (the megaball).

Right now, I am using the letters+numbers option on your
website and just picking out the numbers below 56 and 46. Would
it be possible to generate random numbers from your website
within this format (5 numbers without replacement out of 56 and
1 number out of 46)?



Yes, we're all about promoting state-sponsored gambling here, so our programming staff will drop everything they're doing and get onto this request immediately. But don't you think that retropsychokinesis might be a more promising approach to win the lottery than true random numbers? If you win, please wire my cut to the account of Carlo Pietro Giovanni Guglielmo Tebaldo Ponzi at the First Ironic Bank of Nigeria.


Subject: [HackDiet Feedback] Problem report
Category: Problem report
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:57:38 +0200

hi dear ur me frnd plz i m interest in hakers kya hum baat kar saketa hai

And “kya hum baat kar saketa hai” (whatever that means) right back at you! Thank you for this insightful problem report.


Subject: [Feedback] (Location of Baloons)
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 2009 18:20:58 +0100

I am interested in getting help tracking the coordinates of 10
baloons being launched on December 5, 2009. The coordinates
must be in  Latitudes and longitudes and entered in
degree-minute-second (DDD-MM-SS) format. The baloons are being
launched in the United states. Can I get assistance with
tracking their coordinates.



Subject: [Feedback] (RNG)
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:04:41 +0100

I play online roulette.
Is there software or a method og beating online roulette random
number generators?
Thanks for the feedback.

You betcha!


Subject: [Feedback] (how to caht in sky chat)
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 2010 07:35:15 +0100

i am freddy clueless
i wnt to know who to chat in sky chat plz giude me as soon as

Freddy! There are dozens of ladies just waiting to caht with you! Just draw all of your money out of the bank and send it to our Nigerian postbox, and we'll get back to you forthwith!


Subject: [Feedback] (Unavailble answer) from
Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2010 12:20:14 +0200

My question is__
i should be known to earth

No you shouldn't! The Earth is just a big rock, and it doesn't wish to know you at all.


Subject: Consciousness studies
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 22:00:02 +0200

Hello John,

I am amazad that at your consciousness study topic, there is no
mention of consiousness in Quantum mechanics. Whereas it is this that
made the whole thing role (beyond control) in modern esoterics in the
first place. I suggest you read, 'remarks on the mind body question'
by Wigner,


a conceirned quatum physicist.

I am also “amazad” and “conceirned”, not to mention dazzed and confuzzed, that these pressing questions are not at the forefront of Fourmilab's research agenda. Perhaps it's because we're spending so much of our budget on remedial orthography classes! Best wishes with the “quatum” physics.


Subject: [Feedback] (Black arts book )
Date: Sun, 25 Apr 2010 17:32:31 +0200

I am not sure but i beleive what ever a mans heart can concieve
and believe it can achcieve .I need this black arts bopok
urgently and i dont know how?pls help me

I turned this fellow into a newt, and haven't heard back from him since.


From: "Clueless" <>
Subject: Partnership with
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001 19:56:28 -0500
Received: from E457FDF720CE414
  by with SMTP;
  17 Mar 2011 04:38:51 -0700 PDT

Fellow Website Owner/Operator;

I am the marketing director of  Our client would like you to consider a link exchange with
their website.  They offer a Care Guide specifically for people
interested in keeping this popular spider.

If you would consider adding a link to their website they would
reciprocate by placing your website's link on the following page:

Please link to them using one of the following text links or if you
would prefer you can select from several images at:

1) Icky Bird Eating Spider - Learn all about the captive care of Icky
Bird Eating Spiders.  Our care guide includes information on terrarium
setup, proper tarantula handling methods, feeding information,
breeding information, and even creating a custom escape proof

HTML code elided…

2) Icky Bird Eating Spider Care Guide - Learn all about the captive
care of Icky Bird Eating Spiders.  Our care guide includes information
on terrarium setup, proper tarantula handling methods, feeding
information, breeding information, and even creating a custom escape
proof enclosure.

HTML code elided…

Once you have added one of the above text links or logos to your
website simply send me an email and I will make sure to get your link
up on their website.  I look forward to hearing from you.  If you
have any questons about our website or this email feel free to
contact me.



Note:  This is a one time email, you are not included on any mailing

I have modified the domain names and an adjective in the message to avoid giving free publicity to this junk mailer. I declined this offer, not wishing to creep out the many icky birds who frequent this site. Note that according to the “Date:” header, this message was sent on January 2nd, 2001. Maybe the sender should upgrade from that Commodore 64 mass mailing program.


Subject: [Feedback] (looking)
Date: Wed, 7 Sep 2011 08:22:53 +0200

how on earth do you look at this to see if it is the thing that
you are looking for. there are many programs with the same dam


Subject: [Feedback] (New Heavenly Body? Matter Of Importance)
Date: Sun, 2 Oct 2011 04:03:39 +0200

I want to report finding a new heavenly body in the sky. It is
located at 9h 47m 30.0s 11" 24" 55.5" It is extremely red. If
is a known body please let me know which one I located if not I
would like to name this thing Burning Blood.

Congratulations—you have discovered Mars! Sadly, it is already named.


[Feedback] (if they are made from fixed pre-made; they are psuedo, no?)
Date: Mon, 24 Oct 2011 23:05:08 +0200

John Walker,  lets go  to Vegas.   Most of the vid slots in
O.K. are from Tenn. & are 3-4 years old.  got any cell app
--seeds to i.d. an algo?    Clueless    (by the way a coin
flipped for 4 months landed on its side twice in 120 tosses,
not heads or tails; it's a 4 dim object...the surface thee coin
lands on is a factor)


Date: Tue, 8 Nov 2011 14:28:51 -0800 (PST)

Hi i am a french student and we are learning the genders
of french words how do you know which is which. The way
my french teacher teaches me i dont fully understand. If
you could tell me and use some examples i will really
appreciate we will have a test on thrusday November 10th
2011  so if you can can you please help me thank you

Good luck next “thrusday”!


Date: Sun, 4 Dec 2011 20:53:36 +0100
Sent from: 95.9.x.y
Subject: [Feedback] (Sincerely) from

Thank you

The White House
Central Intell&amp;#305;gence Agency

Because the White House and “Central Intell&amp;#305;gence Agency” always send their E-mail from a DSL account in Turkey!


Date: Tue, 6 Dec 2011 04:01:18 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (planetary accelerations at Earth)

Hello, John,

While the accelerations of the Sun and Moon are known because
of their magnitude on Earth, the accelerations of the planets
are not well know at all because they are so faint.  Yet
planetary accelerations are exactly what any well-read
astrologer will use in estimating the influence of the stars on
human activities.

Your very good website

has a perfect table that can be extended easily to present
exactly that.

Also, your comments on economics suggest I can share some
points with you that might be of some use.

Gravitational attraction (tidal forces) from the Moon meant
that the entire evolutionary path of Earth had, built into it,
a tendency to migrate there.  Eventually that was refined into
a desire, a dream, and a goal.  So the instincts behind the
Apollo flight were rank with cold blooded zero sum carnivorous
predation.  That was still furious throughout the first half of
the 1900's.

Particularly, the more recent several thousand years of
constructionist development should be viewed as rank and
riddles with errors because they dedicated the world to
reaching the Moon (paintings of bird-headed men standing in
winged boats sailing to great sky disk).  The warlike societies
this spawned plagued human attempts at civilization until the
Moon had footprints on it.  In fact, the wars have not yet
completely changed to peace although the secular truth is
displacing superstition and fear rapidly, which helps.

Attempts to understand the complete depth of the present
economic malaise may be lacking in time perspective.  For
instance, if there is a completeness component of the
devolution of the constructions that tends to eventually grind
(a la wheels of justice) the makeshift activity down to the
quantum scale, we must be prepared to be meticulous in local
economies, which could mean billions of people could be better
off raising their own food with modern techniques.  (That's
only one of the wild cards).

The great new assemblies of national representatives are a good
step along the direction of taking complete responsibility for
all history.  They need the kind of encouragement you give to
that end.

I often dream of “bird-headed men standing in winged boats sailing to great sky disk”, but then I wake up and find these visions “rank and riddles with errors”. Your kilometrage may vary.


Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2011 20:44:58 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (Fox news site)

Why have you hijacked the Fox News site?

Because it was there!


Date: Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:42:27 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (Tests with the NIST Statistical
   Test Suite (SP 800-22))

i,m ba student and i'm working on HC128 encryption and i get
the result and produce key stream successfuly.
now i want to test it by Tests with the NIST Statistical Test
Suite (SP 800-22).
how can i do that?
can i have that software you used?
i thought that c source code of this test is on the internet.If
it's true how can i find and download taht because i cant find
please giude me.
with respect

Encryption, and generation and testing of pseudorandom sequences, is an exacting business which requires assiduous attention to detail. Before plunging into it, you might want to make sure you take care to correctly spell the words “I” and “that”.


Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2012 04:00:55 +0200
Subject: [Feedback] (June 24, 396 B.C.)

You probably know that 396 B.C. is not the exact 50th year from
March 8, 444 B.C. However, 396 B.C. is the exact year that Rome
had it's first military victory at Veii. It would be convenient
to know if the seige took place on the Sunday of June 24, 396
B.C., but I cannot get a confirmation on that. This would mean
that the 69 prophetic weeks were divided at 7 and 62 because
the first 7 were non-Roman and the last 62 were Roman.

Why would God care about non-Roman and Roman? Because Rome was
the Prince who brought the Temple to ruin on Friday, August 10,
A.D. 70. Further, Rome rises again in the seven years of The
Seventieth Week probably in the form of the European Union that
goes from 12 countries to 10 due to one of the 10.

What about America? It was made irrelevant by Obamacare!!

Ahhh…Calendar Converter. It attracts 'em like a cow-pie draws flies!


Date: Wed, 15 May 2013 10:38:25 +0200
Subject: [Feedback] (Need assistance.)

I am being attacked by numerous people I need help to know who
and what to cut out of my life my computer has been hacked my
family plays along with it everyone close to me has changed if
you can reply don't know who to turn to.

How can you be sure I haven't changed?


Date: Tue, 17 Sep 2013 13:11:38 +0800 (CST)
Subject: 纸尿裤

Dear CEO,
  Our company would like to purchase diapers .
  If you are the diapers producer plz contact us  We sincerely
hope you could quote after receiving this E-mail, and then we
could discuss. Upon the confirmation by our company concerning
the quoted price (in the unit of US dollar & Euro) of your
company, a contract will be signed during manufacturing the
above products. After signing the contract, our company will pay
advance payment up to 40% (T/T) of the total amount. The
remaining 60% will be paid by issuing a sight T/T, or the
account can be settled prior to each delivery. If you have
similar designs, please send them to us for reference by email.
And please offer us a good scheme and competitive price, so that
we can have a long-term cooperation.
      (The valid time is 30 days.)
    Thanks for cooperating.
    Best Regards
Office Tel: 0086-742-CLUELESS
Contact person: simon  0086-142CLUELESS

Well, actually, we do not produce diapers. However, we just got in a large shipment of corncobs and are ready to deal. Please advise.


From Abu
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2014 02:17:13 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (you are liar)

you are liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
milad al nabi is 13/1/2014, liarrrrrrrrrrrr

Count on the Calendar Converter to bring 'em out!


Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2014 11:06:30 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (parthian empire)

How do you believe this is real accurate?   Hopeful I am, that
the paganism that is on this earth, since it knows not how to
obey Christ, will not loop the clock any faster than digital.
For I do believe, they have done this.  And more than once.
Which would in fact, beside the fact that fire balls are
already falling from heaven, to the ignorance of them and the
Scriptures, mess up the calendar of the gregorian.  I use this
tool alot.  And i want to use it without the internet?   Is
that possible if I do save the page?  Or do I need the rest of
it that is on your server.

Have another highball, and continue to use this tool “alot”.


Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 17:34:57 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (7 x7  and 62 x 7)

well, if one reads Daniel 9 as written -there are 2 coming of
Christ spoken of (in reverse order-see Clarence larkins work)
the first coming 62x7 comes out to 11 bc with no coversion to
360 day years--from 445 bc- 11 bc could be the birth of
Christ-first coming (there was a comet this year)
 2nd period 7x7=49 years . from 1967 equals 2015-2016  which
would be like the first coming 'secret' seen by only a few-
that is the rapture.(to me on rosh ha shan) but nevertheless
still leaving  1x7 7 years for the tribulation.

thanks clueless
sorry for spelling

Sorry that you've been left behind.


Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 22:38:22 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (PLEASE HELP)
Feedback from: Herrmann's Book of Magic

FROM HiddenRedoubt AN Ernst Stavros Blohard WHO ARE INTIMIDATN AN

Happy to oblige! Have you visited our online voodoo doll page? We accept all major credit cards, PayPal, and Bitcoin. I have changed the names of enemies in this message to protect them until we are paid.


Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 17:31:01 +0100
Subject: [Feedback] (Purchasing )

Somesite is a well funded company which owns online communities
- we acquire successful websites, and together with the former
owner we greatly enhance the website's functionality, traffic
and revenue by using our expertise in SEO, Community
Development, Monetization, Social Media and Web Development.
We are interested in presenting an offer to purchase .
Are you the owner?  I look forward to hearing back from you!
Please send answer to:

Let's see: your domain was registered in 2007 (at GoDaddy!), and your site's Google PageRank is 0. Your Alexa analytics show a global rank of 548,985. was registered in 1994, and our Google PageRank is 7. Our Alexa analytics show a global rank of 63,584.

Is your site for sale? Oh, never mind.


From: clueless
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 2015 00:42:24 +0200
Subject: [Feedback] (My satalite reentered)

I have been a great fan of Home Planet for many years, running
it almost constantly.

I wonder whether you have an updated satalite data file as my
favourate one has reentered.

Just wondering.

Thanks for the software anyway,



From: Bub Clueless <From:>
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2019 13:37:56 +0000
Subject: Software Development


Hope all is well. I have a great idea I am looking to develop
software for but do not have any experience in programming. Any

Thank you for you time, any advice is appreciated.

Learn to code.


From: Galileo Clueless <From:>
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2022 12:26:24 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Google Earth Science

John,it seems our planet is moving in sinusoidal motion around
the Sun. Can you respond so I can send hypothesis. California
Technical Institute Computational Astrophysicist is in
agreement about sinusoidal motion causing seasonal shadow
movements. I would like your feedback. I some jpegs, satellite
images you have to see and a Chart of Aurora Borealis
intensification which support hypothesis.
Perhaps you can open a Gmail account, it's important because
hypothesis answers questions NASA wasn't able to.
I hope I motivated you.

Doggone that NASA! If they can put a man on the Moon, why can't they figure out what causes “seasonal shadow movements”?

Well, that's it, at least until the next gem arrives that “makes the list”. Catch you later, somewhere in cyberspace.

So I offer you this heartfelt plea,
For IQs twelve to eighty-two,
Before you get flamed many times, many ways,
Don't send E-mail; get a clue!