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Dexter's diary

July 1. 154.2 pounds.

Here I go, and this time I'm going to succeed. I'd better--I've told everybody at the office I'm going on a diet, and if I don't slim down this time they'll rib me all the way 'till Christmas. So, farewell indulgence, hello Dexter's Slimming Summer.

July 2. 153.8 lbs.

All right! One day, almost half a pound! I'm already ahead of schedule. At this rate....

July 3. 157.1 lbs.

Woe is me. Last night I got up, went into the pantry, and just looked at the popcorn jar. That's all. And today I woke up three pounds heavier than when I started to diet. My stomach is growling, my soul is bruised, and my weight is up. Good night.

July 4. 156.5 lbs.

Some glorious Fourth. Well, at least the porkometer is down from yesterday. But it would be amusing if I could get back below where I started this diet, wouldn't it?

July 5. 151.8 lbs.

Oh frabjous day, the diet is finally kicking in. Four pounds less, more than two below where I started! I shall not conclude the onion ring I swiped from yon Cassius at dinner had anything to do with it. Onward!

July 10. 153.2 lbs.

Stuck on this pesky plateau. Still, I guess it's better to be stuck below where I started than spiraling upward toward Chandrasekhar's limit.

July 11. 155.6 lbs.

One measly bowl of sauerkraut at bedtime, for the sake of Almighty Bob! I mean, every diet book says that stuff has fewer calories than sawdust, but boom!--here I am, almost two weeks into this cruel torture ritual, still two pounds above where I started. If it weren't so late and I weren't so tired I'd go make a double scoop sundae and chuck this damnable diet.

July 12. 151.7 lbs.

Well, that's interesting. Yesterday must have been a blip. Either that, or maybe panic and depression is what really causes me to lose weight.

August 5. 149.1 lbs.

Gosh, has it been three weeks? Well, not very interesting weeks, anyway. The occasional new low, but basically I'm stuck in an up and down cycle that's running about a week long. Maybe my body has adapted to this diet and I'll go on being hungry forever and never lose another pound. There's a cheerful thought.

August 9. 142.9 lbs.

Maybe there's justice in the universe after all. One hundred and forty-three pounds...I've done it! Now, if I just stay here this diet is history!

August 10. 144.6 lbs.

Up one and a quarter. Diet history doesn't lie in this direction.

August 11. 147.8 lbs.

Is my life some kind of cruel experiment to see if somebody can never get a single break, or what? Shit in a sugar cone! I've eaten nothing: nothing extra, and I pack on five pounds in two days? I weighed less than this almost three weeks ago. Why go on?

August 12. 148.3 lbs.

Truly marvelous. Up another half pound.

August 14. 146.7 lbs.

At least it's lower today.

August 19. 142.9 lbs.

Well, maybe this has finally paid off. I seem to have settled down below my goal of 144 pounds at last. These new clothes feel great, and for the first time in two years I don't feel like a fatty.

August 20. 142.3 lbs.

Beach party! Had a wonderful time. What a joy to have a hot dog with mustard and relish and not worry about my weight!

August 21. 146.2 lbs.

Up four pounds in one day. I'm sure I didn't eat any sand. I don't relish the prospect of a life without hot dogs.

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Next: Dexter deceived Up: Dexter's diet Previous: Dexter's diet

By John Walker